Recently, I have had this sense of loneliness and isolation. This may sound crazy to the people that know me - incredible family and friends; a network of colleagues that have become the dearest of friends. I have the creativity, passion and desire to succeed, but something is m_ssing.
I can’t put my finger (or mouse) on what 'it' is, but it feels as if there’s a piece of my heart that cannot be filled. I was told by a pain consultant that long standing conditions can feel like grief. This is not to diminish the sense of loss those who have lost loved ones feel or have felt, but I am grieving for a life, maybe even a lifestyle, I used to know.
This missing piece of me should be small enough to not consume my every thought; allowing me to keep going, and yet, despite being surrounded by so much positive energy and love - from my children, in addition to the commitment of my wife, the missing element is still gnawing away. Surely, what I have should be enough?
For me, it goes back to what it is being a man. The media definition suggests a man must be hard working, a provider, a disciplinarian etc etc. We’ve all heard it all before. There are elements within those definitions that resonate with me. That were me and values I lived by - to protect and provide for my family.
But there in lays the problem, as I am unable to meet this fundamental element of being a 'real man' this at present moment and boy, does it frustrate me. The interesting thing is that life and my experiences have also taught me that I CAN provide......in other ways. I have the luxury of time now to understand the real love of knowing my children. I'm learning to understand my body, for it is the hub for all things - positive and negative. I just need to let it....be.
I’m still fighting my inner battle and this grief type feeling is lessening, but I feel I’ve really lost what it is that I’m supposed to do. What else can I achieve? Being a good father, son, husband and all of that is obvious. I want more.
You see, I have always had my life mapped out to a certain extent, knowing I have options to help my journey, but now I’m just in this state of flux; knowing but not knowing my path, my call to action, my legacy. I have so many people that inspire me and I'm proud to call them friends and family, which helps me with the determination, the hunger for more. I’ve never just settled and never will, why should we. We have one life to live and you should live it, doing the things you enjoy. Finding myself is the first part of this chapter and then we will see where that takes me. I know my goals, and whilst there is no pressure to reach them, there is the ideal to enjoy and make the most of the time we have.
The dials are in our favour as spring comes upon us. A tune for new beginnings, restored hope! I just hope to wake up tomorrow clear, focused, but always curious.
I had a bit of a moment this past week thinking about my purpose and all that. And I realised that I just give give give which is not a bad thing, then I thought hang on what's the most important thing in my life - my kids!! If I’m gonna be a stay at home dad, then I’m gonna be the best bloody stay at home dad in the world. And the light suddenly switched on! It’s all for them and that’s fine because they are me I am them, they are my energy when I’m down, they lift me up, inspire and drive me to be the best I can be. And that’s what I’m trying to in-still in them.